"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize