Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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