you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
