What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
