I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
