You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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