I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
