I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
ugly people sure do ruin things
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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