I didn't shave. On purpose
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
