Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize