I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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