the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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