just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
