Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
