last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize