I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
