I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
