I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
