i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
and she was petting her beer can
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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