you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
