I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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