If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
