I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
