My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
