Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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