I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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