It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
