fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
