So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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