it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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