I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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