if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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