I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
