I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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