dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
