His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
