So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
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