all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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