Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
