Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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