I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I supernannyed him into submission
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
