I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
