why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize