im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize