the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
