I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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