I think im going to throw up on grandma
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
