Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
