boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
