Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
