a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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