She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
