well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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