Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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