Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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