I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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