Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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