When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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