The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
